It must be me. I trigger people. How? I’m not sure. It just happens. I am cordial. I am helpful. I am empathic. I strive to bridge understanding. But it happens none the less.
Think back to the last interaction…nothing.
Think back to all interactions…nothing.
And people don’t tell you how or why. Even if you ask.
So you should be stoic. But stoic leaves you separate. Stumped.
I like to think there was a time to heal, a chance to recover, an opportunity to live. But the more I learn and understand about why, the way things are the way they are, the more life simply ceases to have hope in it.
Have you ever taken a factory tour? Back in the school days they would bus us around. I remember, very young, (gift shop which lead to a present, which lead to babysitter #2, so 7, maybe 8.) well I guess it was the first for me, it was a communion factory. Christ crackers. They even had a church connected to it where priests would bless them before transport. I didn’t catch a glimpse of a holy spirit then, nor any time in my life, but seeing that really took the mystery out of it for me. Were my favorite cereals done the same way, where does all this stuff come from anyway?
Maybe it was the same with Christmas, visiting a Toys R Us and realizing the very same things Santa brings down our none existent chimney, are the same things sold in stores. Were elves also producing things for nationally large businesses that advertised in magazines and on tv? It didn’t make sense, I honestly I don’t think I ever believed, in the fat man or the thin tortured man. I remember trying to convert my sister from this illogical belief; ‘he’s all over the world, in everyone house, all in one night? He’s everywhere, all the time, even in the bath with my bubbles? Your bubbles?’ Her fragile mind just couldn’t take it, punishment ensued. Doubts remained. An unconvinced apostate in rooms of classmates that simply gobbled up the not-truths, without even cheese.
I suppose the truth never needs to be questioned when everything that you encounter runs congruent with all of it. Of course Santa is real, we have toys. Of course mommy loves you, she ‘loves you’. And when mommy doesn’t, when your presence summons the same affect you experience in the house of worship, something isn’t right. It may never have been, or ever be.
Sometimes you just need to relax, cut yourself off from the electronic bombardments of pop culture, 24 hour news cycles repeating the same facts*, and useless pings reminding you how much of a slave you are to the cycles that keep you occupied during your life, instead of your life occupying you.
You know it’s on your resolution list, every year you tell yourself, “This time it’ll be different.” But it’s not. It doesn’t matter the activity, the goal, what matters is how you keep a carrot on a stick your entire life. Is that carrot moldy yet? So long as you’re not going to do what you told yourself you were going to do, you might as well be content in avoiding it. That’s one way meditation can help, unless meditation is the thing you’ve avoiding, in which case, just call it something else and let the audio begin.
2 short introduction meditations by Sam Harris
Breathe app, for beginners, while they do offer a lot of pay-to-play activities, there are enough sessions included that will keep you busy, and enlightened.
*Facts, they do exist, but some post-modernists might be saying otherwise…Justice? It’s relative.
Those who are new to the practice generally find it useful to hear instructions of this kind spoken aloud, in the form of a guided meditation. UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Research Center has several that beginners should find helpful…
Among Western Buddhists, there are college-educated men and women who apparently believe that Guru Rinpoche was actually born from a lotus. This is not the spiritual breakthrough that civilization has been waiting for these many centuries. For the fact is that a person can embrace the Buddha’s teaching, and even become a genuine Buddhist contemplative (and, one must presume, a buddha) without believing anything on insufficient evidence. The same cannot be said of the teachings for faith-based religion. In many respects, Buddhism is very much like science. One starts with the hypothesis that using attention in the prescribed way (meditation), and engaging in or avoiding certain behaviors (ethics), will bear the promised result (wisdom and psychological well-being). This spirit of empiricism animates Buddhism to a unique degree. For this reason, the methodology of Buddhism, if shorn of its religious encumbrances, could be one of our greatest resources as we struggle to develop our scientific understanding of human subjectivity…If the methodology of Buddhism (ethical precepts and meditation) uncovers genuine truths about the mind and the phenomenal world—truths like emptiness, selflessness, and impermanence—these truths are not in the least “Buddhist.” No doubt, most serious practitioners of meditation realize this, but most Buddhists do not.
Sometimes I feel, well, FIRE sale – my life. Something happens.
“Well why don’t you just make a list of every horrible wrong that every one has ever done!?”
I have and I am. I’m in the 60’s.
Why don’t they see, every solution has been a bandaid; they don’t see, but sometimes I see, yet only fragments. I have these pieces that just don’t add up, they don’t fit into the narrative that everyone wants to believe, so they go unseen. Unexplained. Forcibly removed from entertaining an existence alongside the lies and lives of society by society.
There is something wrong; so wrong and it is war worthy. Either spread for so long or a natural part of the fabric of our society; so hard to tell.
Diverging : I think I see the macro and the micro, but what is it that’s in-between? I reckon it’s Life. I don’t think I’ve ever had one though. Which is one ingredient of this shit they intended to make. After so many tries you end up giving up, and the joke is that your resistance wasn’t even seen. You could have enjoyed the ride on the way down and it wouldn’t have made a difference. Why did they plant a weed of guilt in you as a child, why did they keep feeding it until it bloomed a flower that you thought was nice and necessary, but’s weeds strangled you whole. They fucked you. It’s that simple. Oh, you didn’t show it? Yeah that just meant some fuckers didn’t see the other fuckers, so fuckers kept fucky do da. But that’s the past, until of course it becomes the present again because it’ll happen again. But that’s “paranoid”. Until you show them a scatter-point graph displaying X fucks by Y years, and how “paranoid” travels a straight line through your life.
The facts do not care about your feelings.
I know, so why did I need to care about theirs?
Oh, you didn’t.
You said I did, they said I did.
Oh well, let’s move on, without your feelings, but with theirs.
“During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.”
— George Orwell
Coming out bisexual borderline can be a difficult process. There are many questions that need to be answered and the evaluation of the risks versus rewards of coming out bisexual borderline must also be considered.
There is, however, one universal truth: the most important, and perhaps the only truly necessary person to come out to, is you. Once you have done that, you can come out as bisexual borderline to others based on your comfort level. It doesn’t have to be immediate. Take your time and do what feels right* to you. Make sure that you’ve answered the question “Am I bisexual borderline?” and feel confident with the answer. This will help you in coming out to others.
*’right’ is not a feeling, it is a judgement; paradoxically something you want to avoid.
Considerations in Coming Out Bisexual Borderline
You must also be aware that mood matters. If you are going to come out to someone as bisexual borderline and make it seem like something bad or depressing, you can put the person in the wrong frame of mind. This can affect how receptive they will be towards your news.
Some people may not be ready for the conversation and so you may want to get to the subject of coming out bisexual borderline indirectly. Strange and awkward questions can sometimes come up when coming out bisexual borderline as well. These may be due to shock as opposed to lack of support. It is important to stay calm and keep the answers simple and short. Try to maintain the least amount of confusion possible.
Coming Out Bisexual Borderline: I’m Still the Same Sane Person
Make perfectly clear that you are still the same sane person you have always been and be clear about how you feel. You may also choose to not come out as bisexual borderline to everyone, such as a person that you depend on financially who may be homophobic or biphobic borderphobic or a sanist or someone that has a ‘Phobia of phobias’ (a.k.a. ‘phobia-squared’ or ‘phobia²’). Ultimately, it is a very important decision in your life, so it is your call in the end to whom you come out bisexual borderline, or whether to come out walk-the-line at all.